I had a big confronation with my mom earlier today. It started as something stupid, about how I didn't want to stack wood for our wood-stove because I had a cold and my period, but it soon escalated into a bigger fight about my Transgenderism and how she never sticks up for me when my biological brother calls me a "queer" or a "faggot" in tones that are, of course, derogatory. I'm terrified to be around my bio. brother whenever he adopts these insane homophobic attitudes because I know, no matter what my mom says, that he is very much a homophobe and that, since he is quite a bit bigger (in terms of both weight and height), he could hurt me if he really wanted to. This image petrifies me, and I've told my mother that I'm really scared of him, but she won't listen. And what also scares me is that the only people who do listen and actually believe me are people who live from 45 minutes to 20 hours away, and if I get into a bad situation with my bio. brother and she's not home or she's sick or asleep and can't defend me at all, they can't protect me.
So I called a couple of friends after my mother told me to go back inside, and one of them was genuinely concerned but she couldn't talk long because she had to help another friend. Then I decided to call another friend--a Trans. friend. She calmed me down and let me feel her care for me like she always does whenever I'm really scared or sad. And she gave me some very helpful suggestions for how I might be able to deal with the situation with my mom and bio. brother better. But I still know that this is something I need to be strong enough to deal with without her by my side. I know that I'll always have her and my other Trans. friends to try their best to keep me safe and hide me from what could be traumatizing or dangerous, but they can't cover me up from all this forever, as much as we all might want them to, and that's what I need to start dealing with now.
Please never forget though, my cherished fellow Transmen and Transwomen, that I will always need you and love you very much. I just know that this is something I need to figure out on my own.
About Me
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
ugh, so sorry to hear this!
I am glad you are working on building a local network along with the supportive longer distance one you have. That will be helpful in many ways. As we say in Quaker circles, I am holding you and your brother and mother in the Light.
Thank you, Peterson. You're always in my prayers, and you always will be.
Post a Comment