I'm gonna be a drag king!

Well, I mean, I will be if I can get together enough money to go to Georgia this summer. But, hell, if? There is no "if"! I'm gonna get a job (I'm applying to a bunch of places when everything opens again on Tuesday), and I'm gonna graduate this year, and then I'm gonna go out to GA with my boys and we're gonna KICK ASS. Well, they might. I'm sure they will. But I'm not quite sure about me. They think I'm cool shit, but I'll let you in on something *gestures for you to come closer with my finger* *whispers*: I'm not really the shiz-nit. ... ;D

There's a lot of love between me and my brothers. I know that. But something I'm afraid I might have to clue them in on before we start practicing grinding and singing and having fun and making asses of ourselves is: I CAN'T DANCE. I mean, I can grind (I think). I can be a dirty, dirty boy, but that's only sometimes. In the dark, and in the crossfire of strobe lights. When there are people surrounding me but not paying attention to me at all. But on stage... with a bunch of people watching me who probably already know my brothers and thus might have heard about me from them but, like them, don't know I don't have any rhythm... uhhhh... heheheh. Check please!

Naw, I love those guys. I trust them. I know that, if they don't think I'm ready to go onstage and perform with them while I'm out there with them, or if I don't feel confident enough, they'll give me a break. I've got faith in them--if they think I can do it (like I think they do), then I'll try. But I'll never be as confident as them when they're performing (because I bet you gotta be pretty confident to be able to do something like that on a regular basis), and I doubt I'll ever look as good as the guy at the top of this post.

New writing

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep. An hour after I took my shower and brushed my teeth, I was still wide awake and thinking clearly. I read one of the books my father and stepmother gave me for Christmas. I listened to a bit of calm, slow, sad, romantic music. I went on the Internet. But I still could not sleep. Then I got an idea for something new to write. And I sat in my bed, with my pen and paper and my old, cracked, wooden writing board, and I let the words and ideas flow out of me. The result was a long time coming. It is a document of raw, painful memories and new, positive, encouraging statements from trusted friends. I'm not going to post it yet--it's very personal, and I don't think that I'm ready to let others see it in such a public fashion. Someday, maybe you'll see it. But not now.

Naming and overcoming

First order of business tonight is that I (finally) think I may have decided what my full name will be once I change it. The winner is: Elliot Lane Manning May Holloway.

Second, and last, something happened in my Chorus class last week that really disturbed me. You see, we don't have a very big high school Chorus (it's made up of 9 people, not including our instructor) and, on Tuesdays and Thursdays it gets even smaller because the majority of our group (except for 4 of us) have Gym class during the Chorus period. So on those 2 days, it's me and 3 girls and our instructor. Anyway...you get the picture. So, on Thursday of last week, the instructor informed us that she was thinking about having us sing an arrangement of the political uprising song "We Shall Overcome", which, as far as I know (or believed until this incident) is a pretty well-known song here in the U.S. My instructor and I were getting really "into" it because it's a beautiful song with soaring harmonies and swelling dynamics. And at the end of the song, the rest of the girls looked at us with these really weird expressions on their faces. One of them said, "I'm glad you guys knew the song 'cause I don't think any of us did". This shocked me! I attended the same elementary school as one of those girls, and I learned this song there! From as far back as I can remember, I've known that song! Maybe I just had a great music teacher that none of these girls had, but I thought it was kind of a common thing for schools to teach about society and the civil rights struggle (the African American fight, if not all the current ones).

I was not angry at these girls, but at their music teachers in elementary school, whoever they were. I wonder why I learned this incredible song while these others didn't. They're only 2 or 3 years behind me...did the teachings of elementary music education really change that much in such a short timespan?

So country CAN rock!

The London Free Press of London Ontario Canada has made me very, very proud today. It appears that, not only do many Americans stand firmly behind the Dixie Chicks and their film, "Shut Up and Sing", which is released in Canada today to couple with the sold-out concerts the talented Texas trio are performing at the Air Canada Centre tomorrow and Sunday nights. In America, the band is still experiencing backlash from the comment that lead singer Natalie Maines, made in 2003 made about how she and her bandmates, Martie Maguire and Emily Robinson, were ashamed that the president of the United States was from Texas. Here in the U.S., they are playing to crowds about half the size that they performed to before the comment was made. But, now, they don't really seem to care, because they know (along with many of their die-hard fans) that they were right in their words and they're right now in their actions, and they're still kicking ass.

Here is the link to the London Free Press article: http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/Today/Entertainment/2006/12/22/2931469-sun.html

Christmas comes but once a year, and thank goodness for that

Since my brother and I are living at our father's house next week, we're staying at my mother's house for one more night tonight to celebrate Christmas with her side of our family at her house tomorrow. That's all fine and dandy. We'll get to talk with people who live elsewhere in the state that we don't get to see very much, and we'll get to eat terrific food (my grandma's making a delicious holiday dessert with layers of brownie, raspberries, and whipped cream, and my aunt is bringing lasagna). But although I love my (biological) family, they each seem to share the same flaw, which would be their unacceptance of my gender and sexual status.

What seems to be interesting to me, specifically about my grandmother, is that, when I identified as a Lesbian, she kept pushing me to find a guy that I might fall for. But I kept pushing her right back because she was putting too much pressure on me. And now that I'm dressing like a man, and acting like a man, and since I responded to her positively yesterday about the fact that I might want to be with a guy, like she wanted, she wants me to date a girl! Ugh....even elderly women are confusing. I know that I have to keep in mind that she grew up in a time when it was proposterous to think that men could have relationships with men, or that women could fall in love with women and be with them. But I'm her grandchild, and I don't think that her childhood and background and her own lifestyle are valid excuses for her pressuring me to be something that I'm not. Am I really being hypocritical of her, and the rest of my family, by requesting that they try to understand where I'm coming from?

"Guy gifts"?!

*DISCLAIMER: Most of the beginning of this entry is sarcasm (well, really just the part about the expense that people spend on material gifts for each other when all they should really have to do for each other is show love). Do not take most of my own comments seriously. Or, do, but keep in mind that this article seems pretty sexist to me.*

Yahoo Health News recently posted an article provided by Men's Health called "The Best Last-Minute Guy Gifts". They're pretty pricy, because we all know that guys have a thing for expensive gifts--it's not just for women and those diamonds anymore! The majority of these gifts are over $100, and they were listed from the #1 gift to the #5 gift (though it doesn't say if these gifts were in any particular order of demand or popularity) as follows:

1. Apple iPod Shuffle, $79
2. Nikon D40 SLR Camera Kit, $600
3. Garmin Forerunner 305 Heart Rate Monitor and Watch, $376
4. Cameron Detour Putter, $300
5. Dyson Root Handheld Vacuum, $150

This list (actually, the whole article) raises some questions for me.

1. Since when do gifts come assigned with genders?
2. Why does a camera kit, which most probably would be used purely for recreation, cost more than a heart monitor?
3. Who in their right mind would spend $300 on a golf club?

Here's the link to the actual article if you feel so inclined to read it in all of its sexist-ness:
http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/9544/the-best-last-minute-guy-gifts

Is the author off her rocker?

J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter book series, recently wrote on her website a few statements that infer that the literary giant has finally flown the cuckoo's nest. She's out of it. She's lost her mind! She said: "For years now, people have asked me whether I ever dream that I am 'in' Harry's world. The answer was 'no' until a few nights ago, when I had an epic dream in which I was, simultaneously, Harry and the narrator."

Let me say for the record that, when I was in 6th grade and the books were first released, I thought that they were genius. And I loved that they caused such controversy (remember how some schools/parents wouldn't let their students/children read them because of the magical themes?). But now I've just gotten sick of hearing about them. The movies are nowhere as good as the books, and now, looking back, I realized that I wasn't really that into the books to begin with. That's not to say that they aren't a great series of books. They're pretty damn awesome...I mean, if you're into that kind of thing.

It was an icky sink

I just spent the last 45 minutes scrubbing the dried paint out of a very deep and very wide sink in the art room at my school. One might ask, why the hell would I be crazy enough to do that?! The truth was, I had no choice. Well, it's not like anybody forced me to clean that crap out of the sink. The teachers in there weren't like "Clean this or else". I just did it to keep my senior privileges. Senior privs. (as they're so fondly called here by the students who have them) are the...well...privileges that seniors who keep up a certain grade in each class and who have good conduct can have. Basically, for anyone who has them, their study halls are turned into free periods where we can be our own teacher (to a point) and go use a computer in the library or guidance office or sit in our senior lobby on comfy couches and chairs and play board games or eat or read or talk or whatever. But, aside from having to keep up good grades and not get into trouble, we also have to do community service for teachers, which consists of doing whatever job a teacher of our choice needs done.

So, now my back hurts. A lot. But it feels good to have finished that round of community service. Now I just have another 6 months worth to do (until graduation!). Ugh....

Political YouTube videos rock

I've been getting pretty political this year. And something that has surprised me about the online video site YouTube is that they don't only have crazy comedy and claymation clips--they have some pretty politically-active members, too! A while back, I posted an entry about the Dixie Chicks and their film, Shut Up and Sing. And, since the summer, I've become increasingly supportive of Transgender issues (specifically, the Gwen Araujo murder case and what people are doing in memorium for her). So, here are some very well-made YouTube videos about those two topics.

"In Memory of Gwen Amber Rose Araujo" (by darkXsmile)


"Dixie Chicks Shut Up and Sing Trailer" (by ilovedixiechicks777)

Way too excited

I think I probably made myself look a little psycho in front of the librarians and all the other current inhabitants of the school library just now, but I was so excited about this article that I found on Advocate.com that I just had to share it with y'all.

Two weeks ago, when the December 19th issue of The Advocate arrived at my house, I was ecstatic because there was a little box in the top corner of one of the first pages saying that Loren Cameron, a famous (and terrific) Transman and photographer, whom I look up to, was going to write an exclusive commentary and post it on Advocate.com. So for the last 14 days (yes, I checked every day), I've checked that website to see if, by miraculous chance, the article was there. And it wasn't. But today was different, because today, THE ARTICLE WAS THERE!!!

I haven't read it yet--I've been too excited that it was finally posted. But here's the link to it if any of you would like to read it, too (it's really long, so I figured I wouldn't post it all here): http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid40003.asp

To my Chosen Family

After reading the most recent posting made by Alex (entitled "carpe dium quam minimum credula postero"), I knew that I just had to post this poem that I wrote here on my blog. It, again, is about cherishing the Chosen Family that we, as Trans-identifying people, need to find in order to keep our sanity, and, sometimes, our lives. This is not only for the Transmen and Transwomen in my life, but also to everybody who doesn't feel like they have anyone to count on or love, or who loves them back. Read this poem, and know that whoever you are, even if you do not identify as Trans, you are not alone.

“Affair (These Transgender hearts)”

I have love affairs with my siblings
Some intimate part of me belongs to each of them
And I touch them differently than other people
We hold each other tighter and longer
When we embrace
We press our lips against one another’s cheeks more tenderly
When we kiss
I love them in a way unlike I love
People whose lives I was dropped into as an infant
Because they don’t have to love me
We don’t have to care for one another
But we do anyway

We do not engage in romance in the traditional sense
We do not share candlelit dinners
We do not bathe together in warm water and fragrant bubbles
We do not cuddle naked on any rug on any floor
We do not make sweet love
But we still care very deeply for each other
In the truest, most passionate way
We keep finding true love
Again and again in the hearts of more and more people
These Transgender hearts that were so hurt for so long
No other affair has ever been as sweet
As the one I have with my Chosen Family

Frustration

...and it's not all of the sexual sort (if it was, that would make this whole situation a lot easier to handle). I think I've got a crush on someone that I know I shouldn't have one on. But he's so sweet to me. But he's years and years older than me. But age doesn't matter to me, especially now that I'm almost a legal adult. But it would matter to everyone else. But I don't worry about what others think now--I'm just myself, and I care about who I care about, and I listen to my heart about it all. And right now my heart's conflicted, because I don't know if I care about him more as a friend or as something else.

I guess I really shouldn't worry at all, because he hasn't said anything about there being any other definition to the term "us" for us than the platonic one we've already got, and I'm not going to say anything, and until he says something, I'm not saying anything. So I guess we might not get anywhere for a while. But I don't want to get anywhere right now. I just need good friends. And that's exactly what he is--a good friend.

So, I don't really know why I wrote this, but it felt good to vent. To whomever happened to read this and/or comment, thanks.

I've been tagged

Thanks to Willie Hewes, I have been tagged. Here we go. (And, Peterson, darn you for getting Alex! I don't know any other bloggers except for you, and Willie, and Alex, so it looks like I'll be tagging random folks elsewhere! But I still *heart* you ;)

1. My tic: My left hand twitches like crazy when I get over-excited about something.
2. My favorite spot on a man's body (or a woman's body, for that matter): The smooth slope from the top of the neck, right under the lower jaw, to the end of the shoulder. In effect, I suppose that spot would be called the noulder. (It's a very kissable, easy-access area :)
3. My phobia: Driving a car.
4. The food(s) I detest with negative passion: Cabbage, brussel sprouts, and anything baked with raisins or nuts.
5. When I had an imaginary friend: I had an imaginary friend from the time I was 3 or 4 to when I turned 11. Ze, interestingly enough, was a gender-bending individual, who was named Coop when ze dressed like a man and Callie when ze dressed like a woman.

I'm going to tag my good buddies Bear (of course), Blaze, Nick, and Norman.

Tranny boy's day out

I had a really, really terrific afternoon today. It was raining, yes, but that did not diminish the joy I had in spending time with Bear at all. We were never at a lack of things to talk about in the 2 hours we spent together, so that post from last week contained worries I needn't have come up with in the first place. Bear and I had lunch with my mother, and they got along quite well. They talked a lot about my college situation, and Bear said that ze knows that I could get into a bigger institution than just community college. I want to, as well, but I just don't know how to, what with my grades and our financial situation. However, that's a topic for another time, so let's just carry on, shall we?

After we had lunch, and my mother left to return to her job, Bear and I decided to get dessert. Ze got a pastry (which, I found out, was delicious, because ze gave me a bite) and I got a chocolate chip cookie (because I hadn't had one in a long time). Following that, we talked a bit more, and then jumped into Bear's car to drive around for a bit and try to find another place where we could talk. We found such a place at the local Thrift Store. There, Bear bought me 2 shirts (which I like very much), and ze also bought a couple of gifts for some of hir other friends.

Today I also spent some time with my friend Davey, and I think that we may have had our first "brotherly moment". Only recently have I taken to verbally referring to Davey as my brother, even though I've felt that kind of connection with him practically from the moment we met. But I felt extra connected with him today. We were sitting across from each other (him in his chair, and me on one of the 2 futons in his workplace) and we were talking about...something. He looked at me with a small smile, and I said something along the lines of "I'm proud that you're my big brother". And in a few seconds, I looked up at him (because I'd been looking at my feet as I said that to him) and he was still smiling at me the same way. But I thought I saw something different in his eyes that I'd never seen before--maybe, a hint of pride in the knowledge that he made such an impact on my life.

So I had a wonderful day. But, what's more, I finally came to a conclusion that I've been working on in this mind of mine for quite a while. I figured out that the reason that I like being with my Trans friends is not just because we have the common bond of being Trans, but also that I feel safer with them than I've ever felt with my biological family. And whatever Davey and Bear felt today (because I hope that Bear felt some pride in knowing that I look up to hir so much), I'm happy that they're parts of my life so that I can give them opportunities to feel proud of me. It's a great feeling when you realize that just something you said makes people that you look up to feel good about you.

The war rages on, but I'm not the only soldier on my side

The war at home has been a topic I've been tackling a lot in my entries on here (as you might have noticed), and it doesn't seem to be letting up at all (much like the useless war going on in the Middle East right now between Bush the National Idiot and the citizens of the countries he's trying to control, or annihilate). Graduation is simply too far away. But something that I can look forward to is my trip out to Georgia to see my brothers, Nick and Blaze (again, they were the boys I wrote "Brotherhood" for/about). Blaze and I had a short little chat about it, which basically consisted of me asking if they might have room for an extra Transman in their house this summer, Blaze thinking it was a great idea and asking Nick, and Nick saying "Sweet", clenching up our plans quite nicely.

I admire those two so much. They're the best family I could have ever hoped for. A little while ago, Blaze said yet another few words to me that proved to me that he and Nick believe in me and really care about me, and I think you'll agree when I say that they're the words that every struggling activist wants to hear:

You will be ok. You do have supporters even if we aren't right there next to you. You're tough. I know you can handle all this. Just stay strong.

I've got the best brothers EVER.

Oh, thank God

You Are 5% Redneck

I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.You ain't no redneck - you're all Yankee!

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howredneckareyouquiz/">How Redneck Are You?

I knew I wouldn't be any more Redneck-ish than this. *Phew*

But even if I was more of a Redneck, at least I'm a liberal one!

Mixed emotions

I'm experiencing a strange mixture of feelings this morning. I'm really happy because I've finished the first draft of my Extended Literary Analysis on Leslie Feinberg's books Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams. My English teacher read it through and though he had a couple of notes about places I should look at and alter a bit, he really loved it. So that's uplifting.

But lots of things happening around me right now are not nearly as positive. I'm seeing Bear on Wednesday, and I'm really, really excited about that (yes (or, of course), still), but it's supposed to rain that day. And hard. Maybe if I keep hoping that the weather will change, and pray (and pray and pray and pray) for the sun to be out that day, it will be. I guess that sort of wishful thinking can't hurt.

Still, though, there are some events approaching that I'm having a hard time finding a silver lining in. For instance, on Tuesday, the school principal is coming to our GSA's meeting so that we can ask her questions about why she's being such a hardass bitch about us being visible in the school community. Our advisors have told us that we can't ask her attacking questions, but she's been both attacking and ignoring our group, and that feels really terrible. So she deserves to be called a bitch and be screamed at for her lack of support for our group. Then, that night, the school committee is holding a meeting in the library where the GSA will be discussed. We're a public school, so, according to my most-informed Trans friends and our group's advisors, we're legally allowed to have a GSA.

But something that is not legally backed is my current personal fight with the principal and vice-principal to have one of my Trans friends come and speak to my Contemporary Issues class in support of my project about discrimination of Transgender people. Apparently, very few other students are as interested in having a speaker come--usually, it's the teachers who schedule speakers to come for assemblies and to individual classes. But no one else has ever shown interest in having a Transgender person come to speak, so while I'm a trailblazer of sorts, my friend also probably won't be able to come for my Contemporary Issues class. I have a chance with having a couple of my Trans friends (my brothers, whom my post "Brotherhood" is about) come to speak in March to my English class in support of my Senior Project about Transgender Life, because it's a requirement for each student to have some kind of speaker(s) come into the classroom who know(s) about our topic. But I wanted to make a change for our school not only in my Contemporary Issues but in my English class as well.....I guess that's not going to happen.

Writer's Block lapse

As you have some idea of by now if you've been reading along, I had a pretty bad case of Writer's Block recently. But, thanks to my friend Davey, it is no more. There might be a lot of stressful stuff going on at school right now (and it has nothing to do with academics--the administration is a bunch of homophobic, transphobic dumbasses, basically), but Davey's been doing his best to keep up my spirits by giving me some creative writing homework. A few nights ago, he gave me an assignment to write a story about a Transgender person where the fact that they're Transgender isn't their biggest problem. I did the assignment, and this was/is the result:

“The Transgender Insomniac”


For the twelfth time that night, she watched the Hinder video for “Lips of an Angel” play on VH1, in all of its utter sappiness.

“So leave the chick!” Lily exclaimed, hurling an empty water bottle at her television. “God! Why sing a song for one girl if you’re still dating another?! Jesus! Men.”

“Lyle!” her father scolded, barging into her room. “Turn off that TV right now! Do you have any idea what time it is?!”

“It’s 3:30—I just checked the TV Guide channel. And have you ever heard of a little custom called knocking before entering?”

“Don’t get smart with me, young man. You’ve got school in four and a half hours! You know you can’t stay up this late on a school night!”

“Get the hell out of my room!”

“Go to sleep!” He slammed the door shut, making her framed autographed poster of Christina Aguilera fall to the floor. The glass shattered with an ear-splitting crash, but Lily didn’t care—it just made more mess for her dad to step on the next time he so rudely interrupted her nightly television watching.

“And stay out,” she muttered. She picked up a napkin and a pen from the floor and wrote herself a note.

REMEMBER to call Julie today and ask if she was able to get those Linkin Park tickets.

Yours truly,

The Transgender Insomniac

What would you do? Where would you go?

If you've been following along the last two weeks or so, I've been talking a lot about my new buddy Bear. We're seeing each other next week, and by now we've got lots of stuff lined up to talk about when we see one another. Ze has set aside a few hours just for me, but other than talking, what should we do? I just don't know! I know that few of you (well, maybe except for Peterson) know exactly what there is to do in Western Massachusetts, not including walking around and browsing in shop windows and going to movies and running into random friends, but, if you were to spend an afternoon with a particularly riveting, strong, proud, talented friend, what would you do together/talk about?

...**Yes, I'm aware that this was kind of a weird post, but I hope that y'all have been able to follow.**

Another rough day

I had a big confronation with my mom earlier today. It started as something stupid, about how I didn't want to stack wood for our wood-stove because I had a cold and my period, but it soon escalated into a bigger fight about my Transgenderism and how she never sticks up for me when my biological brother calls me a "queer" or a "faggot" in tones that are, of course, derogatory. I'm terrified to be around my bio. brother whenever he adopts these insane homophobic attitudes because I know, no matter what my mom says, that he is very much a homophobe and that, since he is quite a bit bigger (in terms of both weight and height), he could hurt me if he really wanted to. This image petrifies me, and I've told my mother that I'm really scared of him, but she won't listen. And what also scares me is that the only people who do listen and actually believe me are people who live from 45 minutes to 20 hours away, and if I get into a bad situation with my bio. brother and she's not home or she's sick or asleep and can't defend me at all, they can't protect me.

So I called a couple of friends after my mother told me to go back inside, and one of them was genuinely concerned but she couldn't talk long because she had to help another friend. Then I decided to call another friend--a Trans. friend. She calmed me down and let me feel her care for me like she always does whenever I'm really scared or sad. And she gave me some very helpful suggestions for how I might be able to deal with the situation with my mom and bio. brother better. But I still know that this is something I need to be strong enough to deal with without her by my side. I know that I'll always have her and my other Trans. friends to try their best to keep me safe and hide me from what could be traumatizing or dangerous, but they can't cover me up from all this forever, as much as we all might want them to, and that's what I need to start dealing with now.

Please never forget though, my cherished fellow Transmen and Transwomen, that I will always need you and love you very much. I just know that this is something I need to figure out on my own.

Brotherhood

I've got a couple of Trans. brothers in Georgia who are enduring quite a bit of criticism from an ex-friend of theirs, and I've been doing my best to support them, but it's hard because I'm obviously not there with them. So I'm doing everything I can, I guess. It's just that, they're my family, so naturally, I want to do whatever I can to help them. I suppose I am, just by reminding them that I'm here for them, but I still wish there were something else I could do. With that in mind, I wrote these sentimental, poetic paragraphs for them. I call this document "Brotherhood". Here it is:

When the people who welcomed you into the world first start acting like they don’t love you as much anymore, it’s hard to know where to go to next for support.
Do you run away from home?
Is suicide an option?
Or do you hurt the people who are hurting you, and leave yourself alone, because you know you’re the one who’s right?
Those were the questions that often ran through my head, rotating like luggage on those revolving conveyor belts at airports, until I was inducted into the Brotherhood.

I met my real family earlier this year. I was introduced to a couple of guys who, in a matter of minutes, became trusted acquaintances. After a couple of weeks, they taught me what the term Family really means. And in the last few months, I’ve learned how to be part of a Team, even if we live several states and many, many miles apart.

But now somebody deceitful is messing with them, and I’m not standing for it. I’m not keeping quiet. Because even if I can’t be with them, taking every blow in person as they do, we have a common bond that I’ve never felt before and never will again. And even if no one else understands it, our coveted Brotherhood is the most important, blessed friendship I’ll ever have.

Yesterday was good, but today...bleh...

Yesterday was amazing (as you'd know if you read my last post). But today there are dark gray clouds everywhere in the sky, my "little monthly friend" came (but once I start testosterone, that will all be overwith), and I have a cold. Bleh. Major bleh.

But, on the bright side, on December 13th (which is the next half-day my school is scheduled to have) I'm seeing my friend Bear and we're gonna eat a late lunch and spend the afternoon together, I get the whole house to myself for a few hours after I get home from school today (because my mom's still working and my brother has basketball practice), and my Extended Literary Analysis for my English class is going really well! I'm not just doing it on Stone Butch Blues anymore, though--now I'm doing it on both that book and Leslie Feinberg's newest fictional masterpiece, Drag King Dreams.

So I guess I really don't have liscense complain that much, huh?

Oh, it was a good day!

Today started out as a day where I thought I would have to fight restlessly for the respect I deserve as a Queer person, like I usually do, because my brother was being a dick and teasing me and such. I finally got in a couple of good punches, though (figuratively, of course--I couldn't punch him and make myself known if I tried, anyway, 'cause he's a pretty big, tough guy). The day started off like any other, if not a bit more productive--I finished this big project in Digital Art that I didn't think I would at least until next Monday, and it came out really well. The rest of the day was pretty mundane until Contemporary Issues, where we watched Michael Moore's eye-opening film "Bowling for Columbine". Nobody got as upset as when we viewed Moore's other film, "Farenheit 9/11", but we did get to have a discussion about it toward the end of class. It was a short little talk, because about two minutes into it the bell rang, but we're watching it again tomorrow so maybe we'll be able to set aside some more time for more discussion.

Then I had English as the last class of the day, and my teacher introduced our new unit: the Renaissance. What I learned about how revolutionary that time was for literature and society and art made me really excited--it evoked my activist side, and at one part when we were discussing how, in the Renaissance period, adulthood was considered the most corrupt time of life because people at that age were most interested in worldly issues, I talked about how society has been in a constant state of Renaissance ever since that time period because people are still discovering new things about themselves and about the world and we keep becoming less and less afraid to be ourselves and actually live. As examples of our society still being involved with worldly issues, I talked about how one of our classmates is going into the Army next year to do his duty to protect our country (FYI: even though I don't agree with the war, I'm supportive of our troops--especially the one that I have classes with this year) and how I'm a Transgender activist and put myself out there (as well as putting my life on the line sometimes) by marching for my rights as a Queer youth and just by living as myself without any censorship every day, and how one of our classmates survived a terrible car vs. motorcycle accident (he was on the motorcycle).

I'm really proud of the people like me who are fighting for our rights as citizens, and for our lives. I felt really bonded to these classmates of mine when I made examples of their bravery and staying-power, and I think they appreciated the connection I made to them. I think that, over the course of the past 61 days that we've been in school this year, my graduating class has really made progress in terms of their maturity--I was highly doubtful that some of them would be able to do that. But they've really stepped up to the plate, and the fact that we were all able to engage in some mature yet rather heated discussions today restored my faith in them.

"All My Children" really means ALL

The American-made soap opera "All My Children", which airs through the television network channel ABC, is going to introduce a pre-op., Male-to-Female Transgender person on its November 30th (today's) episode. The character, played by actor Jeffrey Carlson, will be called Zarf, and will be introduced with a bang by sharing a kiss with the show's resident Lesbian character, Bianca. I think that having another Transgender character joining the small group of them that already exists (like the characters that were in CBS' old show "The Education of Max Bickford", the short-lived ABC show "The City", and of course, the Female-to-Male character on Showtime's "The L Word") would be a good thing. My only concern is that this new character on "All My Children" is going to end up with the same storyline as most other Transgender women in television and movies: a dirty, homeless, constantly-struggling prostitute who ends up getting murdered and dumped somewhere when one of her tricks discovers she's anatomically male. I don't think that ABC's audience would be very receptive of a show with a prostitute character, though, so maybe this new character will spark a change for mainstream television. It would be really awesome for Transgender people to finally be taken seriously by the television industry.


Linkage:

• Jeffrey Carlson http://www.jeffrey-carlson.com/index2.html
• Daniela Sea, the actor who plays the Transgender character, Max/Moira, on Showtime's "The L Word", http://www.l-word.com/cast/cast_daniela.php

The worst Writer's Block I've ever had! (Or is it something else?)

I don't know if this is just a really f***ed up case of Writer's Block or what, but lately I just haven't had much passion to write anything but ::shuddder:: stuff for school (and, of course, blogs :D). I shouldn't have said "::shudder::"--since I've been spending so much time on it, my writing for school has gotten really, really good. But I'd like to spend some nights just writing my own stories or poems or scripts or whatever. I have a couple of friends who never seem to have the affliction of Writer's Block, but that's because (they say) they take a day off every now and then and just listen to music or watch TV or whatever but they don't read or write at all. It seems like it could work--like, doing that lets the creative juices build back up again while the fingers and the imagination rest. But my imagination and my vocabulary are two things that I've always prided myself on, and I like to express and nurture them by using them often. I just realized in writing this, though, that maybe nurturing my writing ability means shutting down my mind for a bit and letting everything re-boot and regain some kind of composure.

Hmm, this is kind of an interesting topic. Anyone else have some ideas about Writer's Block or ways to get rid of it?

I've done it!

I've finally finished reading S. Bear Bergman's book, Butch Is A Noun! It was just spectacular. There were a few chapters that particularly touched me (namely, "Being a Butch with Young Men", "Virtual Butch Reality", "Passing It Along", "Where Butch Resides", "What My Daddy Taught Me", "Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones, but Words Will Kill Me", "My Butch Brothers", "Faggot Butch", "What The Stone Is Made Of", "An Apology to My Mother", "Laying Down with a Butch", "Touch", "This Gesture", and "You"), but the ones that I've thought about the most today (I finished the book last night) are the ones about brotherhood, friendship, and connecting with other people who are like you or look up to you. The parts entitled "Touch" and "This Gesture", which are towards the end of the book, describe how important of a role physical contact played in the author's home-life as a child and how ze has brought that aspect of physicality over to hir adulthood, and how much a simple yet intimate backwards hug (meaning, a hug where the hugger embraces the huggee from behind) can convey in terms of love and trust, moved me very deeply because they taught me that Bear and I are the same in that we both welcome touch and find it extremely important in relationships, be they romantic or not. Some people in my life would find the openness that Bear expresses both in-person and in hir writing unsettling because they're just not comfortable with it, but not me. I think Bear is amazing, and I cannot wait to see how our friendship progresses and grows.

Possibility of major change

I just came to school following an early morning appointment with my general health physician. She gave me the name of a behavioral health practitioner in her building that I might be able to speak with about my Transgender identity and what it all means to me and whether or not hormones will be the best thing for me and so on and so forth. My appointment with the behavioral health practitioner is tentatively set for the second week in December. I'm scared to death because even though I know that there are many, many variations of Transgenderism, and that not all Transgender people necessarilly need to take hormones or have surgeries to identify as Trans., not everyone believes that, and this practitioner might feel that if I don't meet some certain requirements then I can't identify as Transgender.

I'm a senior in high school, so that alone means that I have enough to deal with right now--I don't need hormones or surgeries or any extra therapy to make it any more difficult. But this really is important to me, and high school won't last forever but any decision that I choose concerning my Transgenderism very well could.

So, for now, I think I'm going to keep my appointment, though I may have to try to change it to another day later in December when I'm on holiday vacation. I don't feel like I need to know that I can be clinically approved to have the hormones or the surgeries, but I think it would be interesting to see what this practitioner is all about. I can always choose to not schedule another appointment if it doesn't go well or if I don't feel ready.

I'll keep you all updated.

A rose is just a flower. Right?!

Today, a girl that thinks she likes me (but may just like my hair, because it's all she talks about) gave me an orange rose. She snuck up behind me in the cafeteria while I was having breakfast and wrapped her arms (lightly) around my neck and dropped this flower and a card down in front of me. The note says: "I don't really know what this is for but to say each day I admire you even more. The more I think about it, the more I love every bit. So here's this rose of orange color, (Red=Love + Yellow=Friendship)" It's a sweet gesture, but I just don't feel that way about her! For one thing, she's two years younger than I am, so I get the feeling it's just some crush on the person who isn't like anyone else where we go to school. And I think she may have thought that I was bullshitting her when I told her that the activism that I have planned for the upcoming year is going to take up a lot of my time, but I was being completely serious! I know for a fact that it will take up most of my time because of what I've heard from my friends and seen from them as they become steadily more involved with their own adventures in activism. And the bottom line is, I don't even really want to date a girl PERIOD. I'm just not into it! I'd much rather be dating another Transman or a Butch or a gay man. And I want to tell her that, and maybe tomorrow I will, but if this isn't a phase for her like I get the feeling it is, I don't want her to feel totally betrayed by the Queer community, because that's how I felt when I got shot down by people I was attracted to when I first started to question my sexuality three or four years ago.

And what should I think about that flower? Yes, it's just a flower, but it's not like people go around (at least, not at my school) giving roses to people they're apparently attracted to without some kind of extra emotional baggage coming along with it. When I was her age (I feel so old by saying that!), if I had given a flower to someone I liked and they had accepted it with a smile like I did this morning, I would have been on Cloud Nine because I'd have been under the impression that that meant that I had a girlfriend. She's a lot like I was two years ago, and I don't want to mislead her. But I don't want to hurt her either. However, I still have to make it known to her where I stand. Anybody got any advice for this weary Trannyboy?

RENT boys

So, "Rent" was AWESOME yesterday! The music was incredible--the actors' voices were so perfectly toned, and though there were some rocky moments in the beginning (which made me fear for the health of my ears), they all really picked it back up and made the show amazing. The acting was superb, too. And the scenery--exquisite. But the best part (and I'm gonna sound pretty shallow by saying this but I'm going to anyway) was the boys who played the parts of "Mark" and "Roger". Mark was played by a fellow named Harley Jay (who is the fetching fellow in the bottom picture), and Roger was played by the phenomenal Declan Bennett (in the picture on the top), who joined the U.S. cast of "Rent" (which is currently touring nationally) direct from London, England.

Harley has been seen on both the big and small screen on productions put on by Fox and MTV and was also in the movies "Fast and the Furious" and "Bring It On Yet Again". Declan released an album in 2005 called "The Painter's Ball" under the pseudonym "sumladfromcov" (he is originally from Coventry).


Links to these beautiful boys:

• Harley Jay http://www.harleyjay.com


• Declan Bennett http://www.declanbennett.co.uk

RENT!

In a completely opposite turn of outlook and attitude, I have something terrific to report that I only recently remembered: I'm seeing the musical "Rent" at Symphony Hall in Springfield, MA tomorrow!!!!!! My stepmom's taking me as a reward for my great grades last quarter. And I'm PSYCHED. I'm sure that by...um...well, in about 28 hours from now I'll be emotionally exhausted, but it'll be SO WORTH IT. I just hope that it will be as good as it was when the original cast performed it (I have the original cast recording on double-CD, as well as the selected songs disc from the soundtrack of the movie).

Am I a Relative Nuissance?

I know that this is probably a common feeling amongst most Trans. people, but I feel like I'm dead weight to my family. I've been upfront with the friends I've made over the last year, and the words "I'm Transgender" have been some of the first out of my mouth when I've met them. Some of my friends have even helped me to realize that I'm Transgender, and thus have become extremely influential in this part of my coming out process. I have a great and deep love and appreciation for my Trans-identifying (and Trans-questioning) friends because they remind me that there is some humanity left in the world. And when I'm actually with them or talking on the phone with them or just engaging in some type of online conversation with them, I'm ecstatic because they're including me in their lives somehow.

But when I'm with my family (my biological family, that is) I feel like a complete outsider. Again, I'm sure this is rather universal feeling within the community of Transgender people, but knowing that I'm not alone doesn't really offer much comfort--in fact, it just makes me feel more sorry, and not just for myself but for all of us. My bio. family likes to make me feel like this is a curse--like I'm a curse. And if they don't like to, they certainly succeed to make me feel that way. But, is a little acceptance and respect from them too much to ask? I personally don't think so, but maybe it really is impossible for them to find it in their cold, intolerant hearts to give the same love to me that they did before I realized that the only way for me to live happilly is to not be their daughter or granddaughter or niece or female cousin or sister but to be the Transman I (in at least one way in every part of my life that I can remember) always knew I was meant to be.

I know I'm blessed to have the chosen family of Queer brothers and sisters that I have, and I love them with all my heart, but there's still a part of me that really wishes that my bio. family could open their minds a little more to try to see that what I'm becoming is who I am and who I want to be and that I still love them even though I'm going through such a big change that they don't understand or embrace and (maybe) never, ever will.

I *heart* ABC

For a title, it's a little vague, yeah, but once I explain to you what ABC is, I think you'll *heart* him, too. Alright, I'm sure I've probably already seriously confused you by now. Anyway. ABC stands for Athens Boys Choir, and while a choir is usually more than one person, this Choir is one Transman. His name is Katz. And he is the absolute shiz-niz! He's a spoken word artist with just enough bite to be respected as both a performer and a political, societal, Transgender activist. This boy just rocks. His newest album is called "Rose Cuts the Cake". He's on Amy Ray's record label, Daemon Records. He's very handsome. And he KICKS ASS!!!!!!!!

Some Linkage for your learning pleasure:

• Athens Boys Choir http://www.athensboyschoir.com


• Daemon Records http://www.daemonrecords.com
  
• Amy Ray (just 'cause she rocks and y'all should know about her if you don't already) http://www.amy-ray.com

Ze's a Bear

In my post from yesterday, I talked a little about my new friend S. Bear Bergman, who describes hirself as "a good example of what happens when you overeducate a contrarian" and is also a writer, a theater artist, an instigator, and a gender-jammer. Hir book, Butch Is A Noun, is simply incredible--I bought it on Friday before I (quite unexpectedly) met hir on Monday, and I haven't read very far into it because it's really intense and in-depth, but from what I've read so far it's very, very good.

Ze is going on tour with hir book, but ze said that when ze returns, ze and I will spend some time just...talking. About...whatever, including everything.

Just to show how unbelievably incredible ze is, and how much ze cares about Trans. issues because ze is also a member of the Trans. community, I want to end this entry with a short quote from hir poem "Day of Remembrance", which ze wrote as a contribution to the Transgender Day of Remembrance and which I saw hir read at the services that both of us attended on Monday:

"I'm here with my tribe
this family's my wealth
and I would die without them
before I would live by myself"

Linkage:

• S. Bear Bergman http://www.sbearbergman.com

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2006: My Reaction

If you read my comment about Peterson's post about the Transgender Day of Remembrance, you'll see that I planned to go. And I did. It wasn't quite what I expected; in short films about it posted on You-Tube, I had seen people gathering in great groups on city streets to honor the past year's sadly departed. But our vigil wasn't quite the same. Instead of meeting outside initially, we gathered in a Unitarian church and discussed the plan for the evening, which included a candle-light march down and then back up Northampton's Main Street, some scheduled speakers, and an open mic. opportunity so the public could speak, as well.

While I was partaking in this ceremony, I had the chance to meet an amazing person. Here's a little back-story, so you might not be so confused as to why I'm jumping around a bit: on Friday of last week, I spoke after a film about Trans. teens (which, if you read the blog preceeding this one, I was freaking out about just a wee bit (but which actually ended up going really well)). Before the film, me and the friends I came to Northampton with decided to go to Pride and Joy, Northampton's store for specifically GLBT-related merchandise. At Pride and Joy, I bought a book--S. Bear Bergman's Butch Is A Noun. And last night, Bear was the person I was so overjoyed to meet. It actually turns out that ze* lives in Northampton! I was very affected by Bear because ze was so open and sweet, and even though I have met many authors who have since become my friends (or at least trusted acquaintances), I felt instantly welcomed and accepted by hir* into hir world.

Anyway, after the vigil/march and the speaking back at the church, our organizer for the night asked the 19 folks who had been given a description of an individual we were remembering to read their slips of paper aloud. They had flashlights that they had to read by, but what was particularly ceremonial, respectful, and beautiful is that when the people were done reading their descriptions, they turned off their flashlights, both to represent that they were finished reading but also to represent the sudden, untimely death of the person they'd just read about. During the reading of one of the first descriptions, I got completely unnerved and began to sob. A good friend, who is also a Transman, held me in his arms, tight against his chest. I felt a hand on my knee, and as I turned to look at the person who was reaching out to me, I discovered that it was Bear--ze was handing me hir handkerchief. I took it gratefully, and at the end of the evening, when I asked hir if ze wanted it back, ze told me to keep it. And then ze hugged me, and held me tight.

Though I don't think I have ever experienced such sadness as I did last night, I also don't think I've ever been so thankful for my chosen family, which grew considerably in just an evening. Bear said before ze read a poem during the time when ze spoke that we did not lose the people who died this year and who we were honoring--they were taken from us. Although I agree that this is very true, those who attended the Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremonies all across the globe last night forged a new bond as a chosen family in the largest sense, and I know that there is nothing more extraordinary and gorgeous than that.

Agg! Tomorrow!

I'm a leeettle nervous right now because tomorrow is my first official speaking engagement where I'm actually scheduled to be speaking specifically about my experience as a Transgender youth. I'm really excited about it, too, but these things can be kind of spontaneous. I'm probably gonna know most of the people coming tomorrow (or at least recognize them as acquaintances), but I'm still a little on-edge.

I'm sure it'll be okay--I have a flashcard with the 5 points I want to stick to, or at least make sure I cover. But, yeah...okay, gotta go think about this a little more. Wish me luck!

Peace out.

More to the story

Thanks much in part to Peterson's encouraging comment on the first part of my new story "The Eternal Dreamer" (aka "Yin and Yang"...maybe) I have decided to post the next part of it. This part's shorter, because there's very little speaking within it (actually, there's really just a monologue). But, here it is, anyway:

Sitting in my bathroom, fingering the syringes now full of my hormone cocktail, I felt more fear than I ever had in my whole life. I was more scared sitting my boxers and a T-shirt in my own house, finally taking this gargantuan step toward the life I had always known I was meant to have, than I had been every time I was raped or sneered at by macho police officers or beaten to a pulp by some Queer-phobic gang-banger. Some butch Transman I was turning out to be—I couldn't even inject myself with this grand hormone in the safety of my own home, so how could I possibly hope to become the confident person I always dreamed of being?

I kept hearing my mother’s voice in my head: “Don’t worry, Tabby. When you’re brave enough to be proud of yourself for exactly who you are, nobody will mess with you.” She’d told me that when she came to visit me in the hospital after I was raped the first time. Then she got sick—she was diagnosed with leukemia. As she lay dying in her own bed less than a year later, I told her the same words. Together we had cried, and I held her hand as the vibrancy in her continued to fade away.

“You said, Momma, that when I was truly proud of myself, everyone would respect me. But I feel proud of myself right now and I’ve only met one person who hasn’t been disgusted with me when they found out I’m Trans.! And you told me when I told you I was really a man trapped in a woman’s body that I was the bravest person you’d ever known, but I’m terrified!” Finally, through a mixture of exhaustion, frustration, fury, and fright, I jabbed my thigh with the needle and injected the fluid. I screamed in both horror and amazement of myself; I cried out in both pain and relief. I slowly pulled the needle from my leg and, noticing the bead of blood forming in hat pinprick-sized hole, adhered a Band-Aid to my skin. Then I put back on my pants, a clean shirt, my shoes and my coat and ventured out into the night to meet up with my newest friend.

Poor Ted Haggard

Ok, so the guy might be a jerk, basically covering the "bad" bases with everything from denial of his involvement with and use of drugs to his hypocritical homophobia (even though he had an affair with a gay prostitute). But now I feel less hate toward him and more pity because he has decided that he must enstate the use of "reparative therapy" to be "disciplined and corrected". Nobody, not even him, deserves to be put through such abuse as the "ex-Gay" programs. I wish that he would listen to psychologists who are not supportive at all of the programs when they say that these programs only do harm to the people who take part in them and that they don't really change anybody. But, from the statements in this article that was posted on Advocate.com this morning, it appears that Haggard is deaf to such statements:

Haggard gay sex scandal reignites "reparative therapy" debate

Comments by an American evangelical leader who has apologized for contacts with a gay prostitute have rekindled a debate over the controversial premise that people can overcome same-sex attraction through ''reparative therapy.'' The claim by Ted Haggard that he had tried unsuccessfully to treat himself for a ''repulsive and dark'' part of his life reflects a philosophy espoused by many religious conservatives and disputed by many mental health experts.

''Haggard is exhibit A of how people can't change their sexual orientation,'' said Wayne Besen, a gay rights activist and author. ''With all that he had to lose—a wife, children, a huge church—he had to be who he was in the end. He couldn't pray away the gay.''

Haggard denied some of the prostitute's claims but confessed to ''sexual immorality'' and resigned earlier this month as pastor of his 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado. He also gave up the presidency of the National Association of Evangelicals. ''There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life,'' he wrote to his congregation. ''Through the years, I've sought assistance in a variety of ways, with none of them proving to be effective in me.''

Haggard did not specify how he had sought help or describe the healing-and-restoration program he vows to pursue now—but did say he deserved to be ''disciplined and corrected.''

Clinton Anderson, director of the American Psychological Association's Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Concerns Office, found Haggard's statement dismaying. ''There's a profound sadness that someone should be saddled culturally with such a negative attitude toward a part of themselves,'' Anderson said. ''From our vantage point as psychologists, his self-repulsion is not necessary, it's not justified.''

California psychologist Joseph Nicolosi—a leading advocate of "reparative therapy"—said such second-guessing of Haggard was inappropriate. ''If this man is saying, 'This is a part of me that I abhor,' why can't we respect that?'' Nicolosi asked. ''Why do we have to attribute that to something external and take away the dignity of the individual to express how he feels?''

Nicolosi is president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, representing therapists who believe it is appropriate to help clients try to change their sexual orientation. Some take a secular, psychoanalytical approach; other allies of NARTH favor prayer-based counseling.

Nicolosi suggested that he could help Haggard if the evangelist was prepared for ''deep, emotional work.'' ''We're talking about looking at your life squarely in the eye—facing the realities that you did not get certain central affirmations from your mother or your father,'' Nicolosi said.

NARTH's views are considered fringe by the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association. Both declared in the 1970s that homosexuality was not a mental disorder and does not warrant a ''cure.'' ''There's nothing good that can come from 'conversion therapy,'" said Doug Haldeman, a Seattle psychologist who specializes in gay-related issues. ''The wreckage left behind, for some who go through it, is frightening—they're depressed, suicidal.''

Jack Drescher, a New York City psychiatrist who wrote Psychoanalytic Therapy and the Gay Man, said proponents of "reparative therapy" ignore its potential for causing harm. ''They're selling you something without any warning of what might go wrong,'' he said.

There have been numerous studies, with varying conclusions, on how homosexuality originates and whether it can be changed. But there has been no authoritative study—accepted by both sides—examining the effectiveness and possible ill effects of "reparative therapy."

At its national convention this summer, the American Psychological Association was pressed by NARTH about its stance on reparative therapy. APA leaders said they did not oppose people voluntarily seeking to change their sexual orientation, but said therapists should warn that treatment could prove harmful and be sure the client wasn't motivated mainly by social pressure.

The APA also said the positions of NARTH and its allies ''create an environment in which prejudice and discrimination can flourish.''

Nicolosi said NARTH opposes antigay prejudice, but he contended that social factors that trouble gays are a legitimate reason for seeking therapy. ''It's more difficult to live as a gay man than as a heterosexual,'' he said. ''We wish to respond to those clients who feel that it is.... It's irrelevant if it's society's fault.''

Nicolosi is a regular participant in Love Won Out, a series of conferences organized by the Christian ministry Focus on the Family as part of what is known as the "ex-gay" movement. The conferences, often protested by gay rights supporters, spread the message that ''a homosexual identity is something that can be overcome.''

Another Love Won Out regular is Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, a network of ministries promoting ''freedom from homosexuality'' through Christian faith. Chambers, who says he changed his own sexual orientation through religious counseling, expressed empathy with Haggard, saying, ''We're all susceptible to temptation.''

As for Haggard's future, Chambers said, ''If someone says they want to change because of their faith-based convictions, you have to honor that. There has to be a real desire and motivation on the part of the person to change.'' (AP)

Storytime!

Writing fiction and poetry is something I feel I was born to do. Other than Queer activism, I feel that writing is what I was put on this earth to do. This is the first part of my newest creation "The Eternal Dreamer" (though I'm seriously considering changing its name to "Yin and Yang"). Please comment on it--I'm looking for feedback at this stage in the writing process:

I shivered as I stood outside the pharmacy. It wasn’t even the icy February weather, freezing my insides with every breath, which made me shake so violently—it was the fact that I was holding in my glove-encompassed hand a prescription that would change my life forever.

“Sir?” a woman said kindly, placing her hand on my shoulder. She had on a uniform with the pharmacy’s emblem and name embroidered on the left side of her shirt. “Are you alright, sir? Can I help you with anything?” She touched my hand and my fist released, the now-crumpled prescription cascading to the snowy sidewalk. “Let me get that for you.”

I was in shock. She was being very nice to me now, but once she found out what my prescription was for, she was bound to call me a pervert, slap me on the face, and chase me away. Still, I didn’t move.

I waited for the sharp sting of her hand against my cheek, but it never came. The next thing I knew, I was standing at the long counter inside the pharmacy, and the woman I’d met outside was placing two vials of testosterone into a discreet brown paper bag which I could only identify as my own by the sticker it yielded with my birth-name printed on it in bold black letters.

“I’m Kendall,” she spoke softly. “Look, it might not be my place, but I know what you’re goin’ through.” She leaned in closer to me across the counter, and I did the same. “When I was born, my name was Kenneth. I was eleven when I learned the real anatomical difference between boys and girls and I realized that my mind was female but my body wasn’t. I knew I had to make everything match up.”

I was touched by Kendall’s acceptance of and openness with me. A tear tumbled down my cheek, dropping onto the countertop; Kendall wiped the flushed side of my face with a tissue. “You know, there’s a meeting tonight for people like us—“

“Transsexuals?”

“Yes; Transsexuals.” She wrote down the address and the time on a piece of scrap paper and slid it across the counter to me. “We give each other support. And love. And lots and lots of hugs. And we cry together and laugh together, and it’s amazing that we’re not just friends, we’re—“

“Family,” I finished for her.

“Yeah,” Kendall replied sweetly.

I looked over my shoulder at the long line forming behind me. “I should go.”

She grasped my arm, and I as I looked down at it I realized that she wasn’t lying to me about her own experience because her hand was much larger than that of any biological woman I’d ever known. “Will you come tonight?”

I shrugged. “I’ll try.”

“Not good enough. Will you come tonight?”

I nodded and looked her square in the eye. “I will, Kendall.”

“You promise? I’ll never let you back in here if you don’t promise.”

I grinned brightly and genuinely at Kendall’s enthusiasm. “I promise.”

“That’s a little more like it.” She turned her attention from me to the man who’d stood behind me in line. “Good morning! How may I help you?”

Revelation

After talking with a good Trans friend of mine last night, I made quite an interesting discovery: though I’ve had two girlfriends since I came out as Trans, the best kiss I’ve ever had was with a bio boy. It just seemed so strange to me when me and said boy were actually making out. I guess I was more confused about my sexuality than I thought I was. Maybe I was trying to live up to the expectation of what I thought a Transman was supposed to be—a heterosexual man who, before he began transitioning, was a lesbian. But whatever force made us stop, I’m regretful about it. Because damn, could that boy kiss!

Parents...

I think that the fight that Transpeople are experiencing right now is kind of a "one step forward, two steps back" sort of deal. First (the "one step forward), as Alex (who has a blog called Across and Beyond http://www.acrossandbeyond.blogspot.com for those who don't know (meaning, if you're not Peterson or Alex reading this) posted a while ago (at this link: http://acrossandbeyond.blogspot.com/2006/10/i-just-read-todays-news-and-fealt.html), a Transwoman won the title of Miss International Queen 2006. That's terrific! It's a monumental step for the Trans. community! Hurrah! Woot! Go Team!

Then an ignorant set of parents from China has to step right in and wreck all the happiness (of course, the unavoidable "two steps backward"):

Parents to deal with sex change
(China Daily)
Updated 2006-11-14 08:42

The parents of a Transsexual from Fujian Province are having difficulty accepting that their son is now a daughter after undergoing a sex-change operation. They happened upon an international beauty competition on TV in September and were stunned to see a woman who looked identical to their son accepting an award. They immediately called their son who they thought was working in Guangdong Province who confirmed the TV appearance. The two broke into the hospital where the procedure took place, asking for 3.6 million yuan (US$456,852) in compensation. A final settlement is being negotiated. (Southeast Express)

I have some questions about this that maybe some other people are asking, too:

• Were the parents of the Transwoman under the impression that they could legally just barge into that hospital, demand $3.6 million yuan, and have the money handed to them without some kind of confrontation or consequence?
• What would/will the parents having the money from the child prove or emotionally settle for them?
• Under what circumstances (if any at all) could the parents of this Transwoman win the settlement against the hospital?
• What does the Transwoman herself have to say about all of this controversy?

Here's the link to that article if you wish to see it in its original format: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2006-11/14/content_732305.htm

My gID (Gender Identification)

I tend to ramble on and on about gender in the most general sense of the word, and sometimes I think about others' gender for great lengths of time. But now I think I should discuss my own, just to make things fair. And not only do I think that I should--I know that it's a good and right thing that I do it.

My gender has been a topic weighing heavily on my thoughts for years. It's been really difficult for me to deal with because my family hasn't really been there for me as much as I would have appreciated them to be. I suppose I can't really talk so badly about them, though--they're still trying. It's just hard to be a Trans. kid. As difficult as it was when all I worried about was my sexuality, it's probably about 100 times harder now that my gender has come into the equation. Not everything's bad, though. I've made a bunch of great friends since I began to identify as Transgender, and my outlook on life has become much better. My outlook has become even clearer recently, because I've finally come to realize that I don't have to fit myself into a subcategory within the Transgender identity. I can identify simply as Transgender and let that be enough. Because it is.

And it's not necessary for me to take testosterone or undergo surgeries to identify as Trans., either. I can identify this way just because of my clothing or the way I choose to act. Someday, I think that hormones are something I might want to do. And I'm also considering top surgery (for Female-to-Male (FTM) Trans. people, this means getting the chest reshaped to appear more male by way of a mastectomy). But again, if I do this at all, it's not going to be for a long while. Hormones and surgery are two things I'm definitely not prepared to deal with right now, both financially and emotionally and, according to my doctor and my older Trans. friends, even physically. Plus, I've got too much that I want to do as a pre-op., pre-hormone Transman for the Transgender community.

I think that my activism is going to evolve as the I progress in the stages of my transition, and that excites me. What excites me just as much, if not more, however, is that there is so much opportunity for me to do activism! For instance, this Friday I'm going to speak after a film specifically about Trans. youth. And in March, I'm leading a workshop at the annual True Colors Conference. As a workshop leader at the 2007 Conference, I'll be joining ranks with the SPECTACULAR Peterson Toscano (*wink* Hi, Peterson!) and the talented crew of the Athens, Georgia-based Classic City Kings, as well as lots of other presenters. I'm also involved with my school's Gay-Straight Alliance, though we've recently run into some trouble with the administration which has forced us to take action against them (Apparently, the administration wasn't/isn't "prepared to recognize" the Gay-Straight Alliance as what it really is, which is a bunch of bullshit because they knew full well all along what it is, but is also something to be discussed in more length later). It seems the administration didn't want to cause controversy amongst the students and staff of my school, but how can you possibly avoid controversy in a rural area of the first state to allow same-sex marriage (Massachusetts, of course) where more than half of the student population is Republican and the other percentage of students is Democrat but only a handful of the Democratic students are in continuous, vocally (and, in my case, physically)-expressed support of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender community?! (I'm aware that I just completely ignored my own disclaimer about the GSA thing being discussed later, but it's really important!)

...Anyway. I think that's enough of an introduction for now. Sorry it took so long. I was still trying to figure the whole gender thing out, you know?

p.s. I give you...LINKS!!!:

• True Colors Conference http://www.ourtruecolors.org/cfs/cfs13/


• Classic City Kings http://www.classiccitykings.com

So maybe the government isn't totally corrupt...

It's not as good as being able to say that same-sex marriage will never be questioned again here, but it's something encouraging:

Same-sex marriage vote put off in Massachusetts

Opponents of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts appear to be running out of legislative steam, at least for now. State lawmakers recessed Thursday without taking a formal stand on a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex marriage.They meet again January 2, the final day of the legislative session, but it's unlikely a vote would take place in time to get the proposal on the November 2008 ballot. ''This is over. It's over,'' proclaimed Arline Isaacson of the Massachusetts Gay and Lesbian Political Caucus.

Opponents of same-sex marriage gathered 170,000 signatures to put a proposed ban before the current legislature. Their initiative effectively died with the lawmakers' 109–87 vote to recess, unless opponents find a way to force a vote before the next legislature takes office in January.Under Massachusetts law, the proposal needs the approval of a quarter of the legislature, or 50 lawmakers. The legislators' inaction irked Kris Mineau of the Massachusetts Family Institute, who complained that the legislature was ''thumbing its nose'' at the constitution.''We might be able to take it into a federal court, who knows? Certainly, this denies due process of the people,'' Mineau said. ''The people's right to free speech is being throttled. The people's right to vote is being throttled.''Republican Gov. Mitt Romney, an opponent of same-sex marriage who decided not to seek reelection as he considers running for president, said there's little he could do to force legislators to vote. ''If people want same-sex marriage, then take a vote. But don't allow the constitution and rule of law not to work,'' he said.

During the debate, Democratic Sen. Jarrett Barrios, who is openly gay, pointed to his wedding ring and warned colleagues that putting same-sex marriage on the ballot would open the doors to a negative campaign vilifying gays. ''You don't have to live next to us; you don't have to like us,'' Barrios said. ''We are only asking you today to end the debate so that we can sleep easily knowing that, while you may not live next to us or even like us, we will at least have the right to enjoy the same rights the rest of you enjoy.''Same-sex marriage opponents accused supporters of same-sex marriage of flouting the will of voters. ''I'm probably 3,000 feet to the right of Attila the Hun. But the gracious people, the socially conscious people, the liberal people, you're the ones who always want everyone to be heard. What about these 170,000 people?'' said Democratic Rep. Marie Parente. Before voting to recess, legislators unanimously rejected a proposed constitutional amendment that would not only ban same-sex marriage but also require the state to no longer recognize existing same-sex marriages. The petitioners' proposal would not invalidate existing same-sex marriages.

The legislature grappled with various efforts to ban same-sex marriages even before the state's highest court ruled in November 2003 that such marriages were legal. Lawmakers refused to vote on a citizens' initiative in 2002 and two years later voted down their own proposed amendment banning same-sex marriage and legalizing civil unions. Since the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's ruling, more than 8,000 couples have tied the knot in the state. The unprecedented ruling has fueled a largely successful effort nationwide by opponents of same-sex marriage to make sure Massachusetts remains the only state to recognize same-sex marriages.Amendments to ban same-sex marriage passed Tuesday in Colorado, Idaho, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia, and Wisconsin. Only Arizona defeated such an amendment.Two states, Vermont and Connecticut, have legalized civil unions that give same-sex couples benefits and responsibilities similar to marriage. Last month, New Jersey's highest court ordered the legislative to allow either marriage or civil unions for same-sex couples. (Steve LeBlanc, AP)

The musings of a devout Girly-fan

I've decided it's time to get away from news and politics for a bit and let you see a little deeper into my personal life. Nothing major--just a little more information for your minds, so hungry for knowledge. If you've looked at my full profile, you'll probably have noticed the questionable name of a music band--Girlyman. While their name might have thrown you off, I don't think their music will. (And they're not that bad looking, either!)

As the trio that they are now, they have released 2 albums ("Remember Who I Am" (in 2004), and "Little Star" (in 2005)). From the careers they enjoyed when they hadn't become Girlyman yet, the two women (Ty, on the left, and Doris, in the middle) released one album under the name the Garden Verge called "Shadow of a Habit" (in 2001) and the man, Nate (who is, obviously, on the right) released 2 albums, "500 Miles" (in 1999 (?)) and "Never Enough Time" (in 2001).

These guys are absolutely PHENOMENAL. They have the most gorgeous, soaring harmonies, and, in a review of their second album, the only negative comment made was that the album was only made up of 12 tracks. So, they're pretty talented.

Girlyman describe their sound as "delicious acoustic harmony-driven gender pop", but don't let that little bit about "pop" keep you from checking them out--if there were a "genre spectrum", they would actually be categorized more under "folk". Their work is always fresh and interesting, and they bring an astonishing energy and presence to the stage when they perform live. In short, if you ever hear about them coming to play in your town, BUY TICKETS, and do it quick because they've been known to pack the house and nearly sell the whole place out (in fact, I believe they actually have done it before).

I think I kind of rambled in this post, but I'm not going to apologize for it. This band deserves to be rambled about.

Here are some links if you wish to learn more about Girlyman/see more pictures of them/listen to their music so you can stop only taking my word for it about their greatness:

• Official site http://www.girlyman.com
• Garden Verge http://www.gardenverge.com
• Nate Borofsky http://www.nateborofsky.com

Powerful, sexy Chicks

I think that this is probably one of the most Democratic, righteous things I've seen in a long time. I mean, I haven't seen the actual movie yet, but it appears that it's going to be MINDBLOWING.

So here's the 411. The Dixie Chicks were criticized in 2003 for a comment they made about President Bush. So, you may ask, why did they make a movie about it? Well, for one thing, they're country singers, and I guess most country singers are like-minded in their cause to support Bush. Because he's a Republican, and most of those singers are, too.

Another thing is that the Dixie Chicks were originally bashed by Toby Keith, who wrote a song that contained the lyrics "We'll put a boot in your ass/It's the American way". Oh, it is now? I was obviously not informed about this, and the Dixie Chicks were not convinced of it. What about trying to figure things out verbally, and without physical violence? Apparently, it wasn't enough that Bush was already being a jackass--Mr. Keith felt that it was his responsibility to jump right in and help! But, seriously, could Toby and "Dubya" really expect THE BIGGEST-SELLING FEMALE BAND IN THE WORLD to just stand back and let themselves be so brutally scrutinized? I DON'T THINK SO!

So, in the summer of 2006, the Dixie Chicks decided to release the first single from their newest album, "Taking the Long Way". This single was called "Not Ready to Make Nice", and its inspiring message of fighting back against what you feel is wrong for what you know is right proved that they were on the verge of an awesomely-strong comeback. Everybody who was in the know about what had gone down between the band and Toby Keith a few years earlier knew what the song was literally about, but it suddenly became an anthem for many Queer people, too. By singing the song or playing it on their stereos or mp3 players or iPods, or watching the music video made for it on VH1 or MTV, Queer people felt they had found a battle cry against Bush and his Republican cronies, too.

But the Dixie Chicks did not stop at their song in terms of showing their Democracy. They decided to release a film called "Shut Up and Sing", which documented their struggles from the time that they began their battle with Toby Keith to the start of their 2006 tour. The film was released in New York and Los Angeles at the end of October, and was supposed to be wide-released on November 11th, but the date has been now changed to November 17th.

So, how's that for puttin' a boot in your ass, there, Toby?

p.s. Here are some links if you want to learn more about the film:

• A blurb about "Shut Up and Sing" on the official Dixie Chicks website http://www.dixiechicks.com/06_dcmovie.asp


• "Shut Up and Sing" on MySpace http://www.myspace.com/shutupandsing

"Panny tranny"

Not only have I been thinking a lot about my gender lately; I've also been thinking about my sexuality. On Friday my dad had to get his Jeep oil-undercoated, so we went to this mechanic who does those sorts of things. My dad told me it was going to take about a half-hour so maybe we should go on a walk. So we did.

About 2 minutes after we'd started walking I began a conversation with him about where I was in terms of my gender and my sexuality. He was already pretty aware of how I was deciding to present my gender (he sees me almost every day, because he works at my school), but he was still convinced that I was identifying as a lesbian. Until recently, I would have agreed with him. But, I guess I've kind of been fooling myself. Not maliciously, of course, but I think I've been sticking to dating (or at least being attracted to) the opposite gender because I'm trying to uphold the standards I'd set for myself.

But now, just to set the record straight (haha!!!) for myself and for others: I AM PANSEXUAL! I have decided to not prevent myself from finding love with a person who shares my gender (though I have discovered that I'm much more attracted to other Transmen than to bio. men), and I feel really happy and...free. It feels like when I started my journey as an out Transgender person, only 10 times better.

I'm so glad I finally figured this out! I feel so much more secure!

Report cards arrived!!!

And guess who made Highest Honor Roll!? YOURS TRULY!!!!!!! Woot! Huzzah! Hurray! Hot damn, I'm good!

So, here's what my actual grades consisted of:

English: A-
Math Workshop: A
Contemporary Issues: A
Digital Art: A
Chorus: A
First Aid: B+
Gym: A

Again, WWWWWWWOOOOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...And for the Bisexuals?

This is something I've been wondering about for nearly a year now. So, it's recently come to my attention that the "ex-Gay" programs don't really know what to do with Transgender people. This seems to me because it's been proven that Transgenderism/Transsexuality is something that occurs within the brain and the scientific answer to why people are Gay or Lesbian is not yet totally clear. But where do Bisexual people fall when it comes to "ex-Gay" programs? Are they just left aside because nobody can quite figure out what to do with them? Or are they looked over because, if they choose to, they can have a relationship with a member of the opposite sex?

Does anyone have any explanation to offer about this?

Relationship status

No, I am not dating anybody! Don't fret, lovelies! Merely, I am making an intriguing introduction to my new English assignment, which happens to be an Extended Literary Analysis. Our teacher is very nice (and open-minded, which is even better!), and he allowed me to...well...analyze (for lack of a better word) Leslie Feinberg's groundbreaking novel, Stone Butch Blues. Anyway, here is the first part of my paper (once the paper is finished, I will repost it all as one blog, but until then, I'll keep you all updated!):

"Leslie Feinberg’s novel Stone Butch Blues is inarguably the most influential of all hir literary works. Since its first publication in 1993, the novel has spurred great emotion in many people who are literate in the languages it has been translated into. It has also proven that the Transgender community, whom the novel was originally directed toward, clearly knows to grasp on to something which it deems phenomenal and universal. While the novel orbits the societal and political views and happenings of the period of time that it spans, it also focuses on the theme of relationships and their importance in human life."

So, tellmetellmetellme!!! What do you think?

It's good for our health!

I was just searching the ‘net and decided to go to Advocate.com, where I get most of my news. I found this article about how there’s going to be a new health survey released in Wales to look at the needs of GLBT people there. I think it’s about time that something like this happened. Even if it’s not in the states, I’m glad it’s happening somewhere.

Here’s the original article:

New survey to look at health needs of LGBT community in Wales

A new survey by Stonewall Cyrmu’s health care project is set to look at the health needs of the LGBT community in North and Mid Wales. The survey, entitled Inside-Out, will be the first survey in Wales to explore such needs, reports The Liverpool Daily Post."The Inside-Out survey is a vital part of our ongoing campaign work to ensure all lesbian, gay, and bisexual people receive fair treatment,” said Jenny Porter, community liaison officer for Stonewall Cymru. "We are still hearing of lesbians being refused smear tests simply because of their sexuality and gay men fearful to come out to their doctor in case they are sent for an HIV/AIDS test."Porter added that the survey’s results “will provide a clear indication of what the issues are for lesbian, gay, and bisexual people in health care situations and will inform our future campaigning work."The findings of the survey will be submitted to the Welsh Assembly and The NHS Cymru Centre for Equality and Human Rights in spring 2007.

My gender aptitude test results!

Kate Bornstein's Gender Aptitude Test
This Is Your Gender Aptitude!
Congratulations! You've finished your gender aptitude questions! Here are your scores for each section:
Section
# Questions
# Answered
Score
Section I: Asumptions
1
1
1
Section II: Perceptions
10
10
17
Section III: Integrity
10
10
27
Section IV: Flexibility
10
10
5
Section V: Love and Sex
10
10
4
Section VI: No Gender
10
10
12
Totals
51
51
66
Your Gender Aptitude Score:
66
You have a range of possible scores from zero to 255, and if you haven't guessed it by now, when it comes to your Gender Aptitude (GA), smaller is better. But don't fret, please. It's just an aptitude, and like any other part of human potential, with a little or a lot of work you can always improve. Let's see what the numbers translate into.
If your GA was:
Then your Gender Aptitude Level is:

0 - 60
Gender Freak: This was child's play for you, wasn't it? Either that or water in the desert, huh? Just realize that you're not alone. Whatever it is you're doing, just keep on doing it and have fun being your gender freaky self!

61 - 100
Gender Outlaw: Honey, you're too far gone to make the climb back up to 'real' man or 'real' woman, working not only on your own gender, but the subject of gender itself for quite some time, huh? I'm willing to bet things are still a bit scary and a bit serious for you in your life. Your next step would be to let yourself explore some of the place that really thrill you, no matter the social taboos. Just be kind and compassionate when you are doing it.

101 - 175
Gender Novice: Gee, it's like you have one hand in respectability and the other hand someplace where both of you like it. You're not always taken for 'normal', are you? In fact, you probably get an infrequent but regualar bout of the gender willies from time to time, don't you? And a lot of this gender stuff is probably kinda new to you ... a little scary and a little thrilling, right? Maybe it's time to explore exactily what scares you. Go on ... you know how to be gentle with yourself.

176 - 235
Well Gendered: Hiya, Mister Man! Hello, Ms. Lady! Look, I know that all this 'gender-as-construct-or-performance' stuff might sound weird, but the world is changing. Maybe someone you know is exploring gender. It would probably pay off to study more of this stuff, if only to help you get along with them, and to keep up with people who are going to be living more and more outside gendered 'norms.'

236 - 255
You're Captain James T. Kirk!: Omigod ... I've always wanted to meet you! Look, when you boldly go where no man has gone before, it's us freaks you're going to meet up with. Honey, we're what makes life worth exploring.

So, there you go. Is it accurate? Yes. Is it a big deal? No.
Now you know more about your relationship to gender than most people in the history of the world.
Isn't that neat?
---
I just took this test on this website (http://cydathria.com/cgi-bin/SurveyShow.pl?script=gat&page=/ms_donna/ga_test.html). I only did it to see where I scored on this extremely-accurate scale. I mean, my score DEFINITELY describes me. I am a Gender Outlaw through and through!